Too long

It's been far too long.

Life just got crazy.

Fall semester was an emotional rollercoaster.

This one has been so much better.

But I'm so restless again and no desire to do my studies.

I think spring break in Northern Ireland did something to me.

Maybe more thoughts on that later.

New Semester = new hopes & dreams

The summer has pretty much come to an end for me. And now I'm about to embark on the fall 2007 semester of my Moody journey. I'm excited but nervous too. So much happened last semester that I'm not sure I can handle all that again. I'm a little scared about being able to juggle school, work, ministry & life. I don't want to get burned out but I want to be responsible with my time too but I also want to have lots of fun! haha.

I'm so excited about the new girls coming on the floor and about being ARA. I really want to be a support and encouragement to Mary in whatever way she wants that to look like. I want to love the new girls and help them feel welcomed onto the floor & to college life.

I'm excited about my classes. I think I'll learn a lot and grown from them. Not so excited about having to give sermons in front of a class and be videotaped and critiqu myself. Not sure how I'm going to do in a theologically minded class. But excited about my pyschology and my spiritual formation class and my youth ministry class. :-)

I also am interested to see what God has in store for me. What are the things that He has to teach me and in what ways am I going to go. I already feel like this summer has been an intense one of growing in my trust in Him and falling more in love with Him and there is nothing more I want than for that to continue on.

Here's to Fall Semester 2007! New classes, new experiences, new friends, prob new heartache & new experiences of God.

Weekend break in Waco

Ah. This is what I've needed. Just getting off campus and hanging out with a good friend doing nothing. I'm here in Texas with Kristen and we're currently watching 10 Things I hate about you. I love this. Doing nothing and just relaxing. I needed it. This summer has been intense on so many different levels that it's nice to just kinda be. Tonight Kristen is hosting a high school musical 2 party for a bunch of her high school students - amazing.

Lots going on in my head right now too. I'm hoping I can work through and process a bunch of it. I'm excited about this next semester but part of me is terrified too. The real exciting things are a bunch of new girls on my floor, being assistant RA, very excited about some of my classes, having Northern Irish people on campus, all the banter with my Colby 6 boys & just general fun with people!

Matters of the Heart

They suck! ah. Frustration. It's almost like my heart is something I don't have much control over. Seriously. It's been almost three months. Why can't my heart move on? My feelings haven't changed but my trust that God is in control hasn't changed either. I just am tired of being sad about it. Eh. And it makes me sad that I feel like I lost one of my good friends. Is that whats suppose to happen? Are the guys you go out with are then are not in your life anymore if things don't work out? That's lame. I'd rather just keep them as friends then. Blah. I'm never doing this again.

And then there are my girls in Northern Ireland. I'm thousands of miles away but yet they chose to confide in & talk to me online. How do I love on them through a computer? My words never come out right. My heart just aches for them. All I want them to know is Gods deep, deep love for them but yet they experience a bit of it and then run the other direction.

And then there is me. I feel like a failure in so many areas of my life. I hate so many attitudes I see in me. All I want to do is become more like Jesus and love people. But I'm so completely crap at both and so selfish. If I've learned one thing about me this summer it's that I'm completely prideful & selfish.

Today is not a good day.

I miss having older woman around to speak into my life. In my late teens I had Colleen (my youth pastors wife) and she was such a huge part of my spiritual growth & provided me an incredible example of a woman who loves the Lord. I miss her. And then I took it for granted the amazing woman of God around me in Northern Ireland. I had Carole, Judith, Suzi and Kim all from the YFC office who I knew would drop things in a heartbeat if I needed a coffee date and there were many times they did. And in Ballyclare I had Heather and Barbara who were some of the board but also people who cared deeply about me. And of course I had Janine who became so much more than a mentor but one of my best friends. You know in Titus 2 where it talks about the older woman training the younger woman and I think I understand the importance of it a bit more as its totally lacking in my life. And it's not that I don't have a relationship with all those woman who have been that in my life cause I do but it's not the same when its over phone who isn't able to walk daily/weekly life with me. This summer I've missed it so much as there are so many thoughts and questions going on in my head that I wish I had someone older and wiser, with more life experience & someone who knew me & understands me to speak into my life and to encourage me in my walk with God and push me to knowing Him deeper and more intimately. I keep praying that God would bring someone into my life to fill that role. But I'm starting to feel like that asking a lot for someone like that.

Light at the End

33 days till everyone starts arriving back on campus, 30 days till the new freshman arrive, 24 days till I fly to see Kristen. And that is the date of 'I've survived summer '07' - August 16, 2007. It's amazing how I feel better about life as I'm able to see the end of the tunnel. Now, I have no idea what is in store but it will be tough for it to be worse than the first 2 months of this summer. People keep asking me if it's gotten better and the answer is yes & no. haha. I'm way more emotionally stable and am not crying every morning. I feel like I have more peace as I continue to work out what trusting God looks like for me right now. But other than that...I'm at the same place with so many questions in my heart that have not changed. I was at work the other day & just at the point of being so fed up with the way things were. Then this word just popped into my head....patience. I know it was God. I don't know what that means the outcome of all my questions will be but just that God is asking me to be patient. I HATE being patient. But hey it's been the summer of trust & patience. And It's been such a summer of doing some real deep soul searching & I have not been such a fan of the things I'm starting to see in me. I guess that's a healthier place to be than thinking I'm absolutely amazing. haha.

I'm really excited for the semester to start. I'm really excited about my classes (and a bit terrified of some of them), excited about the 10 new girls on my floor, excited about catching up with "my girls", excited about being the Assistant RA on my floor, excited that I'm more settled into Moody life, excited about joking around & laughing & having fun with my Culby 6 boys, & just excited to see what Gods got in store for this term......hopefully some answers to some of my questions. haha.

But in all that. I'm sad. Because this semester won't be last semester. And yes I hated the first month but then loved it by end of Feb! From there on out....it was freakin amazing. lol. So, I guess I'm a bit sad cause the new semester starting really means last semester is over. Some people who are dear to my heart won't be coming back& I know it won't be the same hanging out with everyone cause there will be a whole. A number of the girls on our floor have moved off for various reason so it will be a completely different floor. I'm working more.....which means less time to socialize or maybe I'll just manage my time better! haha.

In the midst of all this thoughts going on......I'm VERY AWARE of the fact that Ballyclare Youth For Christ has a summerserve team RIGHT NOW for the 3rd year & it's the first one I haven't lead. weird. miss it. miss them. miss there.

Northern Ireland

Last night was the 11th night.....which probably means nothing unless you are aware of the culture in Northern Ireland. It is quite the night. All over that small country bonfires are lit & an all night drinking party begins. I'm not talking about small little bonfires....we're talking stories high. The history is long and complicated and I don't think I can even explain it even though I lived there and experienced this night 3 times. What I've seen of this night is through the eyes of the young people I worked with.....it was a night to drink, to party, to show how much they hate "Catholics". They would spend the night getting drunk and watching the fire burn the Irish flag on top of the bonfire....the party would continue the next days as the bands marched. While I know this isn't all the history behind this day.....this day just signals to me how much hatred is in this country that my heart holds so dear.

I've been missing there a lot lately. It's weird think Ballyclare is getting the third summer team & I'm not there involved in the planning/preparation & leading. WEIRD! It's exciting to hear how things my heart dreamed of and ideas that I had expressed that had got looked on as being the naive dreams of a young visionary are finally coming to pass.....but it's sad because I am not there to see it. It's hard to hear of some of my kids who are just in rough spots & I'm not there to take the out to coffee & just have a chat & to tell them again that Jesus is everything & loves them. I'm not there to celebrate with the one that found God again and there is nothing more I would love to do than go back and help walk this journey with her. I miss those crazy, drug obsessed boys who broke my heart but in at the same time between their making fun of my American ways and hitting on me captured my heart at the same time. I miss standing in front of those classrooms and challenging those teens to take a stand and search for truth....and in that they would find God. I miss being involved in the day to day activities of a ministry. I miss being in full time ministry. Some days I wonder if I made the right choice by coming back to school. And some days I know that's a dumb question. lol. Here's to going back to Northern Ireland for summer internship 2008! :-)